There’s a famous essay about the experience of having a child with special educational needs (SEN) called ‘Welcome to Holland’. The basic premise is that having a child with special needs is a bit like if you were planning to go on holiday to Italy, but for some reason the plane lands in Holland. Which as metaphors go is a bit rubbish. For a start, could it happen? If you were flying easyJet, probably yes. Or maybe if the plane was hijacked, but then I imagine you’d be too busy panicking about being held hostage to worry about having to holiday in the Netherlands. Secondly, without wanting to offend any Italians, personally I’d rather go to Holland. Our experience with my eldest son Adam was more like we expected to go on holiday to Marbella but ended up in Kabul.

If you too find yourself struggling with a young child who isn’t progressing as you think they should, here are a few tips to keep in mind:

  1. Seek intervention early. Don’t worry about the stigma of working with speech and language therapists or your child being labelled. Just listen to your gut instinct and if you feel something is wrong, seek professional help. Whether it leads to a diagnosis or not, there are so many resources to tap into, so don’t wait.
     
  2. It will get better!! These early years were awful, but Adam did grow up. He learned to speak (admittedly mostly swear words); he made friends; he improved his diet (admittedly only broadened to McDonald’s, Nando’s and KFC); and he did stop laughing when I hurt myself. Well, sometimes.
     
  3. If you have a child like Adam, they will probably want to do everything on their own terms. But this doesn’t mean you won’t be able to find motivation that works for them. We tried everything from star charts to tactical ignoring to rewarding with treats. Some worked better than others, but it’s got to be worth a go.
     
  4. Ignore other people. I wish we’d realised this sooner. Taking Adam everywhere in a double buggy seemed to cause others to disapprove and even avoid us. Why would a child his age still need a buggy?! Just do what you need to do and what works for your child. Everyone else can sod off.
     
  5. Remember, this isn’t your fault and is nothing to do with whether you played them Tchaikovsky or showed them flashcards. Life has merely thrown you a curveball. You were expecting to go to Italy and guess what: you’ve ended up in Italy. Maybe the weather is a bit lousy and the queue at Customs is far too long due to Brexit, but you’re where you wanted to be all the time. Just hold on a few days, the weather is going to get better.  

‘Normal Schmormal: My occasionally helpful guide to parenting kids with special needs’ is published by HarperCollins.